Highlights from Chapter 14
You Be the Judge
For God did not send the Son into the world to
judge the world,
but that the world should be saved through Him.
—John 3:17
If you are trusting the Lord to restore your relationship with a grown son or daughter, or your husband, you may find that when you do have contact with them things seem to go well, but then you never hear from them and they disappear from your life—again.
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Being the judge seems to be something that we are being trained to do in today’s society like never before. You may even watch reality television with actual judges, and when you do, you find yourself judging the people’s sincerity and motives just as the judge is doing. Though this may work in court, in a relationship it is deadly.
How many of us like telling someone what we are doing, or plan to do, only to have them tell us to do something else or about the mistakes we are about to make? That feeling of being let down is also deeply rooted in your son or daughter, and especially in your husband (or ex-husband). All of us, and I mean all of us, want the feedback we hear to be positive, uplifting and encouraging. But when it’s not, we find that we soon stop sharing our lives with those who feel it is their “duty” to judge it.
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If, on the other hand, we found the Lord to be harsh and condemning, how many of us would run to Him and stay in fellowship with Him? Therefore, with God as our example of the perfect parent, this is the kind of mother we need to be to our children, and the kind of person we should be to others (husband, friend, coworker, and/or sibling).
While married, and even now, I find that the opposite of being positive keeps those we love away from us.
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Even if your loved one is not a believer, you can help by listening, nodding (or affirming on the telephone), and letting them have someone who is not trying to run their life, but is always there with a listening ear and positive response.
Never offer advice, but instead, let them ask you for advice. And if they do ask, be sure to keep it short, and always end with them seeking the Lord, praying about it, or making their own decision.
As a mother, I simply must trust God with my children. Before I came to this place of complete trust, I was a mother who worried and worked hard at being the best mom. This all had to change when my husband divorced me, moved north, and remarried, living a life that was not the Christian one we live here. When my younger children are there, I know there is nothing I can do to help or protect them. Nothing. It is when we come to this place of complete dependence that we are forced to give it all to God and simply trust Him or suffer with worry.
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My faith and trust is not in my children, or even in the way I raised them—my confidence is in the Lord and in His promises to me.
So many women who have grown children or a wayward husband find that they avoid calling or coming by because they know they will encounter a bad attitude or ungratefulness. Rather than being happy for them calling, you might not realize how often you make snide remarks about them not coming to see you, about not calling very often, and asking them why they haven’t done so for such a long time. Your tone of voice, in just answering the phone, often sounds down or depressed, and who do you know who wants to speak or hang around someone like that?
Be sure you are: up, happy, and grateful!! Listen to yourself.
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There is also a saying that says, “To have a friend, be a friend.” If you want your wayward love one to be on friendly terms, be friendly. Answer your phone with excitement every time it rings. Never criticize, but instead listen and be encouraging, even when you are leery at what is being shared.
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Often people just need to “talk it out,” so let them do it with you if you want to surround yourself with friends and family. And be sure to let them come up with their own decision while you focus on being encouraging.
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